Final Draft

As I got off the double-deck bus, I stood still, and breathed in the chilly February air of north London. Today was the day. Today was the day I finally get to watch my favorite football team play live in front of my eyes. Today was the day my dream would come true.

I looked to the left, and saw a large green road sign saying “White Hart Lane.” That was the stadium’s name. I looked to the right, and there was already a large crowd of fans walking towards the stadium singing traditional chants. My family and I followed the large crowd and soon White Hart Lane was right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. My heart was pumping so fast and loud I was afraid someone would hear it. “White Hart Lane.” The name that I have seen on my game console and TV screen was now just inches away from me.

Soon we were behind the 117-year old stadium, ready to watch the players in action. As we were entering the stadium, through the narrow tunnel, I looked around and saw some people staring at us. I felt uneasy at first but the stares soon transformed into welcoming smiles. I let out a big sigh of relief. I realized that I was not the only one excited for the game. We were all one huge group of people all thrilled to be there.

Soon, it was time for kick-off. The players walked onto the pitch and did the cordial shaking of hands with the opponents. What was once a roaring stadium, as the players began to prepare for the match, the stadium became dead silent. In that minute, I looked around at the passionate faces of fans around me and just like that, the referee blew his whistle and the crowd was once again in an uproar cheering for their teams.

Around the 70th minute of the game, Son Heung Min, one of the key players in the team, received a great pass from his teammate. As Son received the ball, everyone watched in awe as he dribbled past two defenders, and crossed the ball towards the middle of the penalty box. As the ball was flying across the field, I had mixed emotions; I felt nervous and worried that he would make a mistake at a crucial moment of the game, but at the same time I was full of hope. As my heart was beating rapidly, my team finally scored a goal and the whole stadium went wild. It felt like an earthquake. Three-fourths of the stadium was fans jumping up and down with joy whereas on the other side, the opponent team’s fans were shaking their heads in disbelief and disapproval.

In a blink of an eye, the match was over. What was supposed to be a three hour game passed by so quickly it only felt like three minutes had gone by. Ultimately, the game ended with a huge victory for my team with the score of 1-0. I looked around as all the fans and players became one; they were all as exuberant as I was. I wanted to embrace this moment for as long as I could. This was exactly what I wanted to experience.

As my family and I headed for the exit, every step of mine felt like there were weights attached to my legs because I was so reluctant to leave. Even though I begged to stay longer, my parents reminded of the huge traffic there would be outside. As we walked away from the stadium, all I could notice was the fading noise of the stadium. As I slowly stepped onto the bus, I sat down and looked out the window. After reflecting about the last three hours, I gazed at the stadium thinking, “I will be back.”

Rough Draft

As I got off the double-deck bus, I stood still, and breathed in the chilly February air of north London. Today was the day. Today was the day I finally get to watch my favorite football team play live in front of my eyes. Today was the day my dream would come true.

I looked to the left, and saw a large green road sign saying “White Hart Lane.” That was the stadium’s name. I looked to the right, and there was already a large crowd of fans walking towards the stadium singing traditional chants. My family and I followed the large crowd and soon White Hart Lane was right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. My heart was pumping so fast and loud I was afraid someone would hear it. “White Hart Lane.” The name that I have seen on my game console and TV screen was now just inches away from me.

Soon we were behind the 117-year old stadium, ready to watch the players in action. As we were entering the stadium, through the narrow tunnel, I looked around and saw some people staring at us. I felt uneasy at first but the stares soon transformed into welcoming smiles. I let out a big sigh of relief. I realized that I was not the only one excited for the game. We were all one huge group of people all thrilled to be there.

Soon, it was time for kick-off. The players walked onto the pitch and did the cordial shaking of hands with the opponents. What was once a roaring stadium, as the players began to prepare for the match, the stadium became dead silent. In that minute, I looked around at the passionate faces of fans around me and just like that, the referee blew his whistle and the crowd was once again in an uproar cheering for their teams.

Around the 70th minute of the game, my team finally scored a goal and the whole stadium went wild. It felt like an earthquake. Three-fourths of the stadium was fans jumping up and down with joy whereas on the other side, the rest of the fans were shaking heads in disapproval.

In a blink of an eye, the match was over. What was supposed to be a three hour game passed by so quickly it only felt like three minutes had gone by. Ultimately, the game ended with a huge victory for my team with the score of 1-0. I looked around as all the fans and players became one; they were all as exuberant as I was. I wanted to embrace this moment for as long as I could. This was exactly what I wanted to experience.

As my family and I headed for the exit, every step of mine felt like there were weights attached to my legs because I was so reluctant to leave. Even though I begged to stay longer, my parents reminded of the huge traffic there would be outside. As we walked away from the stadium, all I could notice was the fading noise of the stadium. As I slowly stepped onto the bus, I sat down and looked out the window. After reflecting about the last three hours, I gazed at the stadium thinking, “I will be back.”

Teacher Comment:

You have some good descriptions here, but on the whole your essay does not make me feel the same way I would if I were at the game myself. Other pieces of writing do create that, though. So what’s the difference? Your word choice could improve, because specific, vivid action verbs help bring the action to life. Maybe an expanded moment before the score could help create suspense? The repetition of the word “slowly” at the end doesn’t quite work, maybe because it’s an ordinary word.

Anyway, you’ve done a good job attempting the Tools. Now you need to find more creative, original, effective uses for them! “the crowd roars like a lion”, for example, doesn’t do much for the reader, because a screaming football crowd is waaaay louder than a lion.

Reflection:

I really enjoyed writing this piece because it brought back some good memories of my life. As I was writing, the huge pile of stress in my head felt like it was getting lighter. However, it was a very difficult piece at the same time because I had to constantly be aware that I was showing not telling.

 

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